A Psalm

I want to quit Father.
I want my cross removed.
I am tired and discouraged.
I can’t see the path ahead.
I don’t want to suffer at the hands of my brethren anymore.
Come comfort me for no other can.

You have done miracles but no one even cares.
We tell them what you’ve done and they yawn.
Their hearts are not stirred, how quickly their thoughts return to their games.
You call them to send but their ears do not even hear.
We have been taught deeper things but none are curious.
They drink milk and are satisfied even while they waste away.
They live on bread alone, their spirits flicker dimly, their oil is running out.

The church has grown cold, lost it’s appetite for the lost and for the wounded.
They gather together and rejoice in their salvation while outside millions suffer and lose.
They are content in their life and luxury, without need of you.
They are secure in their wealth, never risking for the kingdom, so never needing you.
They live a faithless existence, singing chorus’ in hope not confirmation of I AM
Their faith is in the market, their hopes rise and fall with their profits.
They consume but they never give, grow fat while the teachers starve.
They will enter bankrupt, no words of praise from Father, no one looking for their face.
They give but just enough to erase the pangs of guilt and feed the pang w/o gratitude.
The nine are helped but only one returns to even say thank you.

But still there is a remnant.
Those dear brethren who give when they can’t.
Those longing brothers and sisters with ears wide open.
That one who in gratitude pours out from his life blessings to all.
That one who accepts the risks in life, trusting you to provide.

We have established a budget but you have not provided it.
You are our portion and it is enough.
We will cut our budget and be content to live it.
We have put our hand to the plow and will not turn back though we suffer.
We lack now we will be rewarded then.

A voice has quietly said “it’s ok if you don’t go back.”
A voice now says “see God is not with you.”
But I reject these lies.
I will go back because God is with me.
He has called and He will provide even if I can’t see how.
His plan in His timing always has His provision.
Their disobedience is not His hand.

I wrote this to God at a low point, during a home leave. I struggled with whether I should post it or not because it is very personal, but I want you to know my heart as a missionary. I  don’t belong on a pedestal and I am made of flesh and bones.  Some of my greatest struggles are with the apathy and indifference that I see within the church. One of my greatest joys though are those that participate with us by praying, giving and going.  Thanks for hanging on to the rope, while we climb down into the darkness. – Mike Banker 2012