I hate myself

She wept before her heavenly Father, confessing her most shameful sin, trembling and sobbing as she prayed. With this sin she had strongly violated her own conscience, violating one of her highest values, giving her body away for money to provide for her young daughter. Before this sin, she thought she was a good person in a tough situation, but after this sin she saw herself as a bad person, not worthy to be a mom or a wife anymore. After this sin, she just let herself go, she considered herself dead, and gave herself to any man. On this day, she poured her heart out before her heavenly Father and asked Him to forgive her. She asked her heavenly Father to break the ties with each of these men one by one and to cleanse her. He  did and His peace swept over her, calming her. The room became quiet, she felt different, the ties were broken and she felt clean.

Though she felt His peace, still she wouldn’t forgive herself. Still she hated herself for what she did. So quietly and fearfully she asked “Father do you really forgive me?” She started sobbing and heaving violently when He said, “yes I forgive you my precious child.” When she realized God had really forgiven her, had cleansed her, and had broken the spiritual bonds with those men, then she forgave herself, accepting the forgiveness her heavenly Father offered her.

Her sense of guilt had also blinded her to the sins of the others that were involved. She hadn’t been willing to accuse them in prayer at first and felt it was her fault alone because she chose to do this. But now that she was forgiven, her guilt and shame was gone, so her blinders came off. She accused the men who looked at her with lust, who used her sexually, who made her feel like a pig that was slaughtered. She accused her sister for encouraging her to enter this lifestyle and introducing her to the woman who made her small, telling her again and again, “there is nothing else you can do because you have no education” and “no one will provide for you because you are divorced,” and “your daughter needs you, do it for her.” One by one she accused each in prayer and then forgave them, trusting God to do justice for her, handing them over to Him, giving her burden to Him. She rejected the woman’s words and asked God to break their power, to free her. Finally this great burden was completely lifted, she was free, her heart was satisfied, justice was done.

Note: This incident deeply affects her self-esteem, how she sees herself. We decided to deal with the lie “I am bad and not worthy to be a mom or wife” after we finish resolving the other sexual sin that reinforces this lie.